The Bachelorette: Week 8

Stakes are rising in the most important show in the history of television. With 5 guys remaining and only 3 roses available in the next ceremony, it is a fight to the death for the eligible bachelors trying to win the heart of Kaitlyn. Or at least a fight to see which guy won’t cry. Here are the men competing to swoon the bachelorette:

Team Token: Still none

Team Douchebag: Ben H., Nick

Team ~mysterious~: Shawn (aka Ryan Gosling), Joe (aka 5Head)

Team Wildcard: Jared (aka Ear Hair), Chris Harrison

Before we get to the highlights of this episode, there is one critical issue that needs to be discussed. That issue is, of course, the phrase “Can I steal you for a minute?” Since the beginning of time, every contestant on The Bachelorette/Bachelor has used this line at some point. If there were a drinking game revolving around this line, the participant would quickly die of alcohol poisoning. Where is the originality fellas? Can you really not think of something unique  and smooth to woo the heart of your lady? Since you clearly are not capable of any creativity, my friends and I came up with some possible alternatives that we are 100% (read: 0%) sure would work:

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

“We should make like a banana and split.”

“Time to act like a tree and leaf.”

And if you want to be really blunt, “You wanna ditch these losers?”

Alright, now down to the brass tax.

Team Douchebag: The two guys left for Team Douchebag had a relatively laid-back week. It was fairly obvious that both Ben H. and Nick were going to breeze through this episode and make it to the coveted Fantasy Suite date. Nick arrived in the “nick” of time during the group date as he interrupted Kaitlyn right before she was about to spill the beans to Shawn about her and Nick having sex. He strangely has the ability to time everything right which is incredibly annoying, it’s like he has a sixth sense for this type of thing. If only Nick was Bruce Willis. I believe that Ben has completed his coup de tat of Shawn as the fan favorite. He seems like a genuine person and he hasn’t done anything wrong throughout this entire process. Unfortunately, I don’t think Kaitlyn will end up choosing him. If not, Ben is a prime candidate for the next Bachelor so take this as my prediction because when I am right I will refer back to this post. If I am wrong, this post will probably be deleted. Anyways, congrats (but not really) to Team Douchebag for having 2/3 of the final three.

Team ~mysterious~: Joe FiveHead has finally been eliminated from Bachelorette contention. While he was a nice enough guy, it was no secret that him and Kaitlyn’s relationship was not advancing like it was with some of the other guys. Despite this, Joe attempted to follow the footsteps of his namesake Joe “Elite” Flacco by tossing an ill-advised Hail Mary down the field. He told Kaitlyn that he could see himself being with her for sixty years. Unfortunately for him though, he overthrew the ball by about 20 yards and just like Flacco, Joe tried to act emotionless after he was given the news. His teammate Shawn also had a bit of a rough week. While he still is on the show, he was given the most heartbreaking news you can get from the girl that you’re in love with: she slept with another man. Seeing all this unfold live can best be explained by none other than Bart Simpson:

Poor Shawn took this a lot better than I thought he would though. He said all the right things about Kaitlyn being worth it and whatnot and he continues to be a serious contender to win.

Team Wildcard: The most confusing running gag of all time has concluded as Ear Hair was sent home this week. The only logical reason for him sticking around this long has to be that the producers of the show, before the show began, placed a bet at +10000 that Jared would somehow make it to the final four. In all honesty, for has much fun that I have made in Jared’s expense this season, he actually seems like a legitimately good and nice person which was pretty clear in the way he reacted when Kaitlyn dumped him. So no hard feelings Ear Hair. Just please get a haircut.

Heading into the showdown between the final three contestants, I want to make my predictions for how the season will end. Ben will be eliminated after the Fantasy Suite, only to become the Bachelor next season. Nick and Shawn will face off in the final two, with Kaitlyn eventually picking Nick because he’s brainwashed her. Shawn will wind up on Bachelor in Paradise and in three months Kaitlyn and Nick will have broken up because she realized Nick sucks.

Wrap-Up: Joe throws an incompletion, Ear Hair was shown his own reflection, and the final three is set.


*Featured image from

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