The Bachelorette: Week 7

On this week’s episode of the best show that TV has to offer, enough tears were shed to end the drought in California. The producers should have just placed “Cry Me a River” by Justin Timberlake in the background the whole time honestly. Before we get to the waterworks, here is a reminder of who remains for each team:

Team Token:  None Left 😦

Team Douchebag: Ben Z. (aka Benza), Ben H., J.J., Nick

Team ~mysterious~: Shawn (aka Ryan Gosling), Chris (aka Cupcake), Tanner, Joe (aka 5Head)

Team Wildcard: Jared (aka Ear Hair), Chris Harrison


I believe this week’s episode set a world record for longest awkward cocktail party as it took nearly half of the show to finally get to the rose ceremony that was supposed to happen last week. Unfortunately, this caused the episode to be a little lackluster so there’s not as much to discuss as usual. Anyways, let’s take a look at how the three remaining teams performed this time around.

Team Douchebag: The team that looked like a juggernaut at the beginning of the season has started to falter a bit and nothing gives me greater pleasure. It’s like watching the Lakers lose. J.J. got sent home from the 2-on-1 date he was on with Kaitlyn. His showdown with Joe made Drew Stanton vs. Shaun Hill look like Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady. J.J.’s departure was probably orchestrated by Nick as he needs to be the sole douche left on the show so he can get more screen time. Poor Benza was surprisingly eliminated at the rose ceremony and the gentle giant fell from his beanstalk of love. Ben H., or I guess just Ben now, revealed some insecurities to Kaitlyn which we all know is a load of crap as he’s a lock for the final 3.

Team ~mysterious~: While Shawn may be the doppelganger of Ryan Gosling physically, he clearly does not have the confidence of a movie star. Rather, he acts like a 15 year old talking to a girl he “like likes”. Shawn basically did a real life double text by going to Kaitlyn’s hotel room not once, but twice. He is obviously worried about his relationship with Kaitlyn. He appeared to be completely unstable this episode, which makes me worried for when he finds out about Nick and Kaitlyn having sex seeing as how he will probably spontaneously combust. Apparently Joe’s forehead has the ability to control minds as he has suddenly arose as dark horse contender. Nick’s douchiness will most likely block that ability soon though so don’t expect Joe to be around too much longer. Poor Cupcake had a root canal done to his heart this week as Kaitlyn told him that the spark was just not there. It possibly wasn’t the smartest decision by the production crew to allow this to happen so close to the edge of a cliff given the way he reacted. But I know the charming dentist will land on his feet in real life. Oh, and in the most shocking moment of the night, Tanner got eliminated.

Team Wildcard: About an hour into the episode, I was thinking to myself how there was something different about this one that just made it seem better for some reason. Then it hit me. Ear Hair’s screen time was practically non-existent. Unfortunately, out of all the guys left, Kaitlyn decided to take him with her on a road trip even though he would make a worse road trip partner than Zach Galifianakis. This means that the latter half of the show was filled with his patchy beard, weirdly sharp teeth, and obnoxious hair. My new theory is that Kaitlyn is actually blind,  hence, why she is still attracted to Jared. I don’t even want to think about him though because it will just make me mad. Also, Chris Harrison finally quit messing around and chose to pull a power move by dropping bombs like Funkmaster Flex. He revealed to Kaitlyn that the dates would go like normal this week. But here’s the twist. After this week, Kaitlyn needs to send 3 guys home. Then, only the final 2 will get home dates. What Chris failed to mention was that he is contractually obligated to be one of the final 2 men. Sneaky, Chris.

Wrap-up: Tanner finally fades away from the show and everyone’s memory, Benza gets sacked, Chris needs a cupcake helicopter, and Nick is still the worst.

*Featured Image credit to

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