In an incredible feat, this season of The Bachelorette has gotten increasingly more dramatic with the airing of each episode. This week revolved around hurt feelings and a sex scandal. As a reminder, here is the current outlook of each team:
Team Token: Ian (token minority), Joshua (token rural guy)
Team Douchebag: Ben Z. (aka Benza), Ben H., J.J., Justin, Nick
Team ~mysterious~: Shawn (aka Ryan Gosling), Chris (aka Cupcake), Tanner, Joe (aka 5Head)
Team Wildcard: Jared (aka Ear Hair), Chris Harrison
Not really much to discuss this week besides what happened to each team, so we’ll get right into it.
Team Token: R.I.P. Team Token (2015-2015). It was a good run while lasted. But not really. The last two members are off the show, with Ian leaving by choice and Joshua leaving by elimination. Ian revealed that he was actually a double agent sent over from Team Douchebag to captain the capsizing of my team. In his rant to Kaitlyn and to the cameras afterwards, he says many ridiculous things. First off, he complains about all of the fart and sex jokes that the guys tell. Apparently Ian has never interacted with the male gender before. Also, if he saw last season, he would have noticed that Kaitlyn loves those kind of jokes as well. Literally her first interaction with Chris was her telling him a joke about plowing her fields. Anyway, after calling her shallow, he stormed off muttering about Princeton and how he should be the next bachelor. Then, the cherry on top of this whole spiel was how Ian’s last words were that he could really use some sex. Right after he got done talking about how deeper he was than everyone else and called Kaityln shallow. In conclusion, Ian is delusional. Team Token’s last stand coincidentally took place at The Alamo, the site of this episode’s rose ceremony. Joshua, playing the role of Davy Crockett (except instead of a raccoon hat, he was rocking half of a mohawk instead), heroically tried to fight for Team Token. Unfortunately, his name was not called, he was sent home, and Team Token was officially eliminated. But as my fellow team owner said, “the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.” Shoutout Lao Tzu.
Team Douchebag: Guess who was being a douchebag this episode? Hint: his name rhymes with Dick. That’s right, El Captain Nick was in midseason form this week. He took it to new heights this time around though as it seems that him and Kaitlyn had sex. Now, while it is usually implied that sex happens during the Fantasy Suite episode, this is a pretty big deal since there are still like 12 guys left. At this point, it’s obvious that all the other guys hate him. And they don’t even know yet that he slept with the girl they’re all trying to marry. Nick is just a silver-tongued devil. That’s probably why I’m uncomfortable every time they show Nick and Kaitlyn kissing. I mean, imagine kissing someone with the tongue of a snake. Gross. It’s amazing how everyone can see through Nick except for Kaitlyn. Though I guess it did take Andi until the very end to do the same back on Nick’s first. The rest of Team Douchebag was in the background this week, though I would like to point out a change in J.J. Before Nick was on the show, J.J. felt compelled to play the role of annoying douchebag. But now that the King is back, J.J. has seamlessly transitioned into being the funny douchebag who pops up a couple of times per episode and I love it.
Quick side note: I feel so bad for the cameraman who had to be there while Nick and Kaitlyn bumped uglies. He/She was literally filming a clsoed door while the two lovebirds had forgotten to turn their mics off. So everything was heard. Everything. It’s times like these that the memory eraser thing from Men in Black needs to be real.
Team ~mysterious~: To show the range of emotions The Bachelorette can cause, I legitimately felt bad for Shawn in this week’s episode. The guy is clearly super into Kaitlyn and it seems as if she feels the same about him. However, it’s hard to not get upset when you see your girl swapping saliva with the worst person on Earth. It was apparent that Shawn was bothered by Kaitlyn and Nick when he made his eulogy to Kaitlyn even more awkward than pretending that an alive person is dead should be. He did this by making a suicide joke that Kaitlyn had killed herself after spending the entire previous day with Nick. I thought the awkward tension might actually kill Kaitlyn. Anyway, the show ended with Shawn and Kaitlyn in Kaitlyn’s hotel room getting ready to talk things over. It’s about to get crazy emotional and dramatic. I
already have my popcorn for next week ready. Before I finish with Team ~mysterious~, props to Tanner for being self-aware and joking about how he has no idea how he’s still on the show during his toast to Kaitlyn. Easily one of the funniest
moments on the season. Partly because Kaitlyn had forgotten that he was on the date when he started talking.
Team Wildcard: Chris Harrison made a huge comeback this week. His screen time reached close to 5 minutes, which was a huge accomplishment for him. He even got to talk to Kaitlyn some! That was all the producers could give him though.
Otherwise, they’d be legally obligated to raise his salary up from minimum wage. Ear Hair’s biggest contribution to this week’s show was the introduction of his “bang burn” (credit to fellow Jailhouse writer Jackson Lucas). Basically, this was a piece of hair that hung down on the side of his forehead in between the spot where bangs end and sideburns begin. Hence, “bang burn”. With this, in addition to his notorious ear hair, I am convinced that Jared is a vampire. It all makes sense. He has pale skin, his teeth look like fangs, and his inability to look in mirrors would explain his awful hair. He has also probably sucked Kaitlyn’s blood or put her under a spell or something. Seems to be the only reasonable explanation to why she likes him.
Wrap-up: Ian’s head is so filled with hot air that he floats away from the show, Joshua and Justin die valiantly defending The Alamo, and Nick is the serpent from the Garden of Eden.
*Photo credit to ABC