The Bachelorette: Week 5

Week 5 of TV’s crowning achievement was another spectacular display of guys trying way too hard, cringe-worthy conversations, and another dramatic ending left up in the air. To remind you where we currently stand, here is a breakdown of each team (updated since last week):

Team Token: Ian/Jonathan (token minorities), Joshua (token rural guy)

Team Douchebag: Ben Z. (aka Benza), Ben H., J.J., Justin, Nick

Team ~mysterious~: Shawn (aka Ryan Gosling), Chris (aka Cupcake), Tanner, Joe (aka 5Head)

Team Wildcard: Jared (aka Ear Hair), Corey (aka Old Man), Ryan B.?, Chris Harrison

Some general notes before I talk about the individual teams:

— For some reason it is absolutely hilarious to me that they filmed the rose ceremony at Citi Field, home of the New York Mets. The Mets? Really? Here’s how I imagine the conversation the producers had with stadium management went:

Producers: “Hey, you know what would be kind of fun? What if we hold one of the rose ceremonies in a sports stadium in New York? Let’s try the iconic Yankee Stadium, it’s not baseball season and it would make for some really cool shots.”

Stadium management: “Nah, we can’t tarnish the legacy of one of the most recognizable sports stadiums. Best we can do is Citi Field. The Mets need some to achieve something positive on their turf.”

— I’m pretty sure The Bachelorette completely ran out of their budget on the last season, seeing as how this week’s episode consisted of going to San Antonio and kayaking in the middle of their canal. I mean, I guess there’s nothing more romantic than going to Texas’ fourth most popular city described by respected travel agent Charles Barkley as a place where “big ol’ women” reside.

Anyways, on to the main course now. The teams.

Team Token: Fortunately, Team Token saw the most action they have ever seen in this week’s episode. Unfortunately, Team Token is in shambles. After losing Jonathan in the rose ceremony at the beginning of the episode, the remaining two members (Joshua and Ian) decided to take it into their own hands to entirely self-implode my franchise. Joshua, who was verbally not happy about Satan (Nick) joining the show, wanted to express his feelings to Kaitlyn. However, where he went wrong was that he tried to say that all of the other guys felt the same way. But, none of the guys had told Kaitlyn this, which upset her because that would mean they were lying to her face. Yet, when she asked the guys if they felt the way Joshua did, no one backed him up. A perfect metaphor for this whole scenario can be made with the horrendous half-mohawk that Joshua ended up with. His intentions were good, but the execution was worse than Mark Sanchez trying to make a handoff. On the other hand, Ian felt like it was time to take his mask off and reveal that he has actually been the most egotistical person on this show the entire time. That title is not something I hand out lightly. He apparently believes he is God’s gift to women and they should all beg him to be theirs. So, he brilliantly thinks that he should tell Kaitlyn this and that she isn’t bowing down to him, he is going to leave (probably in hopes of becoming the next bachelor). In summation, pour one out for Team Token.

Team Douchebag: Ben H. was shining in this episode. With him being a former IU student and me being a current one, I feel compelled to root for him even though he’s not on my team. Which I am perfectly okay with because, despite the team he is on, he is actually a super cool dude. Kaitlyn and him were able to survive the first round of the two-step competition which leads me to believe that IU should fire Tom Crean and hire Ben to be our next coach. Anyways, he crushed his one-on-one date and seems to be a major contender. The other prominent member of Team Douchebag and the de facto captain Nick continued to be, surprise, a gigantic douche. On the group date, he one-upped all the guys by taking Kaitlyn up on the balcony to sing to her (though I will begrudgingly admit that his song was actually funny). That was really the most annoying thing he did this week, besides having his punchable face on screen for way too long.

Team ~mysterious~: I’m fully convinced after this episode that Shawn is legitimately Ryan Gosling fromDrive. He’s really a man of few words, but has a good heart and it’s pretty clear that Kaitlyn is into him as well. In fact, Shawn gets the honor of being the first one to drop the l-bomb this season as he told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her. And she reciprocated those feelings. At this point, if Shawn doesn’t make the final 3, then I will assume that Nick sold his soul to get rid of any competition on the show. Everyone else from this team was boring this week so I’ll move on.

Team Wildcard: It was a fairly low-key week for Team Wildcard. Corey and Ryan B? were eliminated from the show and everyone’s memories. Ear Hair is still super lame. And Chris Harrison was on screen for almost about the same amount of time that I was. That’s about all there is to it. Though Ear Hair is still this year’s recipient of the Macklemore award: given to the corny white guy who somehow is having success despite core fans utterly clueless as to why.

Wrap-up: Corey, Ryan B?, and Jonathan were eliminated at the very start of the show. Ian turned into Narcissus and appears to be on his way out. Nick sucks.

*Featured Image belongs to ABC

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