Welcome back to this week’s review of the peak of human entertainment, The Bachelorette. This week was full of awkward dates, over-compensation, and of course, manufactured drama and a cliffhanger ending. Before we dive in though, here is a refresher of the team breakdowns (updated since last week):
Team Token: Ian/Jonathan (token minorities), Joshua (token rural guy)
Team Douchebag: Ben Z. (aka Benza), Ben H., J.J., Justin, Nick
Team ~mysterious~: Shawn (aka Ryan Gosling), Chris (aka Cupcake), Clint, Tanner, Joe (aka 5Head)
Team Wildcard: Jared (aka Ear Hair), Corey (aka Old Man), Ryan B.? (the question isn’t because we question his name, it’s because we question why he’s on the show) Chris Harrison’
A couple things that I want to talk about before we get to how each team performed:
First off, Onions made her incredible comeback to television this week. For those of you who don’t know, Onions (also known as Ashley S.) was a contest on the last season of The Bachelor who is best known for going on a rant about onions and thinking she saw an onion growing outside the mansion when it was really a pomegranate. In this episode, Onions was doing Kaitlyn’s hair and giving our bachelorette advice. Surprisingly, her advice was actually insightful and wise, by warning Kaitlyn to not confuse lust with love. So shoutout to Onions.
Also, whoever’s idea it was to have a bunch of 30-something white dudes rap battle each other should be fired immediately. That was one of the most painful things I have ever watched. Tupac and Biggie rolled over in their graves. If only Suge Knight had been in attendance…
Lastly, after another ending credits clip of Brady and Britt, I am still 75% sure that their whole relationship is just a PR stunt. I refuse to believe that they actually like each other. I don’t know why, but it just seems fake. Which is crazy because this is reality TV. Anyways, it wouldn’t be a shock to me if these two eventually create headlines in the tabloids.
Now, to the glorious highlights from (what should be) America’s national pastime.
Team Token: Once again, an unfortunately quiet week from my squad. Down to only three members, none of them accrued much screen time. A couple things worth noting though. My boy Ian was robbed of performing in Aladdin on Broadway. His singing and dancing were much better than Cupake’s, so obviously the show is rigged (shocking, right?). Joshua also had one of my favorite quotes of the night:
“Nothing but anger, loneliness, and a whole bunch of dudes back at the hotel.”
Basically sums up the season for Team Token so far.
Team Douchebag: There’s a new/old sheriff in town. J.J. had his fun at the reigns of Team Douchebag (notably turning on his best friend/lover Clint in the beginning of this episode, causing the most crushing breakup in Bachelorette history), but the real OG is back. Nick, also known as the worst person in the world, has returned to the show. Nick was originally on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette where he became the most despised person in the entire universe. To summarize how much of a douche Nick is, he shows up unannounced to a group date and talks to Kaitlyn afterwords asking to be on the show. While she is still on the date with the guys already on the show, Nick and Kaitlyn are talking AND HE MAKES OUT WITH HER. WHILE SHE IS ON HER DATE. Like no. That is just not cool Nick. But for some reason Kaitlyn is into him and decides to let him onto the show, much to the other guys’ disdain. But who cares about how they feel, right? The episode ends with Nick entering the hotel room. I can only hope the next episode begins with Nick being tossed out the window (landing safely on the ground of course).
Team ~mysterious~: This week’s episode began with Clint, who I’m pretty sure played Sunshine inRemember the Titans, being kicked off by Kaitlyn after showing more interest in J.J. than her. The final nail in the coffin was when his soulmate J.J. betrayed him by calling him out in front of everyone else. Et tu, Brute? Bye bye Clint. Cupcake won a date with Kaitlyn by being white and loving show tunes a little too much. However, they really have no chemistry but he gets a rose because why not. Tanner finally does something by vehemently being against Nick coming on the show. So Tanner gets brownie points in my book because he realizes that Nick sucks and is stupid.
Team Wildcard: Can someone explain to me the appeal of Jared? I mean, I really just don’t get it. He is like the epitome of cliché and corny and he brings nothing interesting to the table. Maybe the more his hair is over his ears the more attracted girls are to him like Sampson and his strength. That seems to be the only reasonable explanation to me. Corey showed that he is in fact not a walking corpse by participating in the rap battle date. However, his rap beef with J.J. was worse than the beef between Iggy Azalea and Papa John’s.
One final note: Kaitlyn has absolutely no idea what she’s doing and I think some of the guys are starting to realize that. She really isn’t very good at handling drama. Which means more drama is created. Because of that, a never ending cycle of drama will continue throughout the entire season. And it’s incredible. Man, I love this show.
Wrap-up: Clint was the only guy who went home this week. Kaitlyn canceled one rose ceremony and there was not one at the end of the episode because apparently that’s a thing now. Get it together Chris Harrison, come on man.
*Featured Image from gossgasm.com