Welcome to this season of the greatest spectacle on television,The Bachelorette. It’s Week 3 and bachelorette Kaitlyn has a lot on her plate with this crop of guys. Before we get into this episode, I would like to introduce you to how my friends and I watch this amazing show: drafting teams.
First, there is my team (co-led by my friend Drew) named Team Token, in which our strategy was to draft the “token” stereotypes/types of guy that are on every season. My friends Curtis and Jackson took the simple method of creating Team Douchebag, which is self-explanatory. Team ~mysterious~ is run by Renee and Mikayla; composed of legitimate contenders (boring, I know). And finally, we have Team Wildcard, which is reluctantly being led by Rachel. These are the randoms left over from the draft basically. The rosters are as follows:
Team Token: Kupah/Ian/Jonathan (token minorities), Joshua (token rural guy), Daniel (token guy no one remembers)
Team Douchebag: Ben Z. (aka Benza), Ben H., J.J., Justin, Nick
(Sidenote: Nick is not on the show yet, but according to the preview he will be next week and since Nick was the OG member of Team Douchebag back in his season, we went ahead and added him)
Team ~mysterious~: Shawn (aka Ryan Gosling), Chris (aka Cupcake), Clint, Tanner, Joe (aka 5Head)
Team Wildcard: Tony (aka Healer), Jared (aka Ear Hair), Corey (aka Old Man), Chris Harrison (yes, the host is actually the ultimate wildcard to win it all now that he’s divorced)
Throughout the season, we will track the progress of each team to see which one will be declared victorious at the end. The highlights of each team will be reviewed and analyzed each week. So now, on to the show:
Team Token: Unfortunately, my team took a hit this week by losing two of our members. Kupah got drunk, was aggressive with Kaitlyn, then went on a mini rant about how the process for the show is racist, and finally left the show. Daniel didn’t get a rose because Kaitlyn didn’t even remember he was there. The rest of the members for Team Token were pretty quiet this week.
Team Douchebag: Unlike Team Token, Team Douchebag had a HUGE week. The Ben’s each got a date rose, securing their spot for the next round. Ben Z. did this by being smarter than every scary movie character of all time and defeating the escape room with Kaitlyn. Ben H. impressed Kaitlyn by with how good he was with little kids and sex. If we’re being completely honest, neither Ben deserves to be on Team Douchebag, but we’ve got quotas to fill so what can you do? J.J. continued to be a legitimate douche by prodding zen-master Tony while he was in a sensitive place because he lost in the dick-measuring contest (sumo wrestling). J.J. doesn’t care though. J.J. did say that he cares about Japanese culture, loved it in fact, when the only thing he could name related to Japanese culture was sushi.
Team ~mysterious~: If you had told me before this week’s show that 5Head’s balls hanging for everyone to see would be the least strange moment from Team ~mysterious~ in this episode, I wouldn’t have believed you. However, it seems as if Clint has decided to, uh, “switch teams” midway through this process. After deciding to go with the bold strategy of ignoring Kaitlyn on the group date (spoiler: it didn’t work), it seems as if Clint and J.J. have formed a strong bond over turtles and popping each other’s backbone in the shower. In fact, Clint even goes on to say that he came on this show for a chance to Kaitlyn, but that he has a stronger connection with J.J. So interpret that how you will. Clint also just becomes a raging douche to all the guys for no real reason other than “villains gonna vill”. A trade to Team Douchebag was proposed, but rejected due to the fact that Clint was being even too douchey for that team. The episode ended with Kaitlyn getting ready to confront him, so I don’t think Clint will get to see his relationship with J.J. play out.
Team Wildcard: Sadly, this week a legend was lost. Tony the Healer, or as I like to call him “Bizarro Tom Brady”, left on his own accord. All you need to know about Tony can be summed up in two quotes:
“I have the eyes of a child, the heart of a warrior, and the spirit of a gypsy.”
“WHY CAN’T WE JUST GO TO THE ZOO? SEE WHO CAN MAKE THE BEST ELEPHANT NOISE.”
Needless to say, him and Kaityln were not compatible due to the fact that Kaitlyn is a sane person. So, Tony packed his bags and called it quits so he could return to Missouri and tend to his marijuana farm. Also, from Team Wildcard, it was revealed that Chris Harrison is actually a serial killer and as he planned a date for Ben Z. and Kaitlyn that involved being locked in a room with some dude in a bed sheet. One of the main takeaways though is that Kaitlyn seems to really like Jared. Like, for real. I just don’t get it. Like, does she not see the hair over his ears? I’m convinced that Jared has some sort of blackmail on Kaitlyn and will use that to stick around as long as possible.
That wraps up the events from this week. In total, 4 people left: Kupah (kicked off after being weirdly intense with Kaitlyn), Daniel and Cory (rose ceremony; also Cory wasn’t on a team because we forget he existed), and Tony (could not achieve nirvana with Kaitlyn). Tune in next week to see what happens with Clint!
*Photo Courtesy to WetPaint.com